EDITOR’S NOTE: This is the second story in a two-part series on porn addiction.
When partners are dishonest in a relationship, it’s not just one person that suffers.
A new support group is now available in Hampton Roads for women who are victims of betrayal from their partners.
“For anyone, connection is what makes us feel love, feel peace, feel comfort,” said Melissa Presley, licensed professional counselor resident and Christian pastoral counselor with Virginia Beach Christian Counseling. “So for the women to come in and feel vulnerable with their story creates a space that allows them to feel those things in their times of grief.”
The support group started last fall as a source of community for women whose husbands were in the porn addiction recovery program at VBCC. While the men’s program focuses on healing from addiction, Presley said it became obvious there was a need for the wives and girlfriends of those men to have a place to heal as well.
“When men are going through their process and are discovering their own cognitive choices they’ve made, it can be re-traumatizing for the woman,” she said. “She can end up feeling unimportant so for women they need to know they’re not alone.”
To help, the women look to each other for support and guidance while learning to either grow it or grow out of their relationships.
But the relationships between the women aren’t always easy because they’re in the process of learning how to trust again, Presley said. They’re allowing themselves to become verbally vulnerable to a group of strangers and that can be a big step for some women who are just starting to heal.
Part one: If you’re spending hours watching porn, you may have a problem. This group can help
“That’s important because it helps them to be able to trust people again,” she said. “Once your trust is broken, you live in this state of fear. You think, ‘if I can’t trust them, how can I trust anyone?’”
The first step in the process is helping women overcome the shock of what’s happened, whether it be finding their partner to be unfaithful or having been betrayed in another way.
“It’s not like in movies where women are searching for things and can tell it’s coming,” she said. “This is someone they trusted and it’s jarring.”
To aid that process, Presley said the group works with what is known as “narrative therapy,” where a patient will tell their stories to the group as a way of working through what’s happened and better understanding their feelings in relation to it.
“Each woman’s story is unique and important so we have to make sure their story gets told,” she said. “For women, they need to share personal experiences and verbally process.”
The final part of the process is to provide empathy among the women, which lets them know that not only have their stories been heard but they’ve been felt by those around them.
Presley said last fall the group had about six women but the program has gained more interest since if began. However, she said she won’t want each group to become bigger than eight women because a smaller environment is more conducive to connection and vulnerability.
As the program continues to grow, Presley said she would love to see some of its past participants come back and work as mentors.
“It’s important to have someone to talk to who has walked through this and is on the other side,” she said. “Someone who can talk women through the midst of initial shock and pain.”
It is still too early in the program to organize mentorships but Presley said she is excited to see the group continue to expand and help women.
